Confessions of a Confused Mind
by KoUsagi
Summary: A confused Anakin decides to write a journal in which he hopes to solve a serious heartproblem... Yeah, a diary fic. : Set before the Clone Wars Anakin is 17 no Padmefactor, just SLASHY thoughts on ObiWan. You were warned!
1. 1st Entry

Confessions of a Confused Mind -The Skywalker Diaries 

by KoUsagi a.k.a. Lovedance Lady

Disclaimer: RotS would not have happened if they were mine...

Note: This will be very much diary-fashioned; focused on emotional stuff, no re-enactment of events, so don't expect punctual fact-reciting, that is none of my concern here. Also the style and register is chosen as it were Anakin's actual diary so beware! ;)  
Posted originally on LiveJournal, in the ewanhayden comm, under my other alias, Lovedance Lady.

Warnings again: SLASH! Altered Universe! Coarse Language! 16+ Themes!

If you still wish to look into that gorgeous head of Anakin, read on and have fun ;)

Prologue 

1st Entry

I, Anakin Skywalker, 17 standard years old, a Jedi Padawan, started this diary today. Came upon this genre by accident, on a literature class I barely ever attend. Anyways, they say this journal-thing, apart from keeping track of the events of one's life, may help you in dealing with your feelings that disturb you. This is what I will do here. Deal with my emotions. My deeds are recorded nicely in official archives anyways; being the Chose One comes with that sort of shit. My emotions, however, are my very own. And it's too bad but can't let go of them. At least want to try and figure them out.

Allright, so will be sincere here, as no one could read this but me. This fact that there are no "others" is very strange though, hope will get used to it in time. Being a Jedi is all about others.

And being a Jedi is about being a Padawan. There comes the problem. Because you need masters for them. And my master is... well my master is... HOT. Darn, that's the first word that comes to mind. I know I just should not think this but I do. Guess he grew close to me, just too close. Fucking hormones.   
Also, fucking war.  
Just...  
argh. I'm random here. Back to the matter. Obi-Wan is the most wondrous creature that I have ever seen. And yet he is supposed to be my MASTER. Of course he is doing great in that. He is kind, really, and he is awesome with a 'sabre too. Not to mention his wisdom. And patience. Can admit here that sometimes I push his limits. Am impulsive and rush and hot-headed. Force, AM A TEEN! not to mention he is most cute attractive when he is all riled up and angry with me. Though his lectures get on my nerves and pretty boring. still, those are the moments he shows some... how to put it... some life, some fire, something that is HIM not just your usual Jedi Master. Like Windu. But don't want to write about him. Not now.

So, Obi-Wan. Master Kenobi. Perfection Embodied. All mine. BUT only as his protégé or whatnot. I want more. Though I know it is stupid cause I'm a man, and I want to be a Jedi, and yet, yearn for him. At night dream of him. Not very proper dreams. There was one time when he was kissing me, hard, against a 'fresher wall, both of us naked, and man he had the most beautiful cock ever. What cock, a rock-hard erection. And this was one of the less sexy dreams. After those, can't look him in the eye in the morning and probably do something that makes him angry so our day is generally fucked. Otherwise we get along well. He patronises me less and less. He is not much older, really, and age gave him a charm that is irresistible.

Force help me resisting him. Fear that I will snap. After a battle, after a sparring practice, during a shared meal when he looks at me, his blue-green eyes beckoning... Should blame it on my hormones. Though guess it is more serious now. Hence, this journal.

Am tired. Will continue this journal I guess. It felt good, wording all the stuff, even though reading it again, it was pretty much a mess, just like my mind.

May the Force give me a peaceful sleep.


	2. 2nd Entry

_Extra warning: a little bit more concrete hints of sexual nature, nothing too graphic; mention of self-gratification. Hope it fits the rating category ;)_

_  
_2nd Entry

This is just too much. Too much of classes that bore me to Sith-hell, with way too much homework. Fucking don't have a life now. Not that I do every stupid task am given. I don't. I start daydreaming about my Master and about how would I kiss his lips, how would he kiss me back, firmly, devouring me, and I him, so we erode each other's physical boundaries to become one. Then, of course I'd get back to reality, Obi-Wan, I mean, my Master scolding me for not doing my work, and then he'd get angry because I retort OF COURSE; Force, he is beautiful when he is flushed with anger. Then he'd storm out of my room leaving behind only his fragrance and Force-resonance to grace the air of my room. Thus, my dreams would be filled with him, so could not concentrate in classes and so the circle is complete.

Am obsessed with him now. Yet he seems to be avoiding me lately. I mean we have the usual friendly banter and quarrels, well, about in equal proportions, but we couldn't have a deep conversation, I mean a real one in like, two or three weeks' time. Don't want to lose what I already have of him, couldn't bear the thought of that. Still, he meditates alone, no longer asks me to join him (not that I improved in that, unfortunately... it's not for me). And I watch him secretly; he has some great burden on him, I can tell. I wonder if it's the Council's doing. Freaks! If they make MY MASTER depressed they have to pay for it BADLY. I already know whom I gonna start with... Making my Master's stunning face all creased, his chest heaving...  
For Sith's sake, he even meditates half naked! That is part of the reason I've become a voyeur... I can adore each and every squaremillimeter of his upper body, take in every detail, only to have his body remapped with my lips and fingertips later - in my dreams or under the hot water of the 'fresher... I took up that latter habit after dreams weren't enough. My body feels somewhat sated after it but still, I am on the verge of tears, because it's just my hand and my own, un-shared pleasure.

Oh no. He came home. We are supposed to have a night-time sabre-practice. Force give me the power to keep up my shields. He should not know anything. However when we are duelling, the bond between us surges with Force it's almost impossible for me to not give in and let go of EVERYTHING.   
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whooo. Ok. Breath. ... Allright. Better now.

Must go now, I hear him calling me.

Force give me strength...


	3. 3rd Entry

3rd Entry

This sucks. I wanna die. Or something. Just want to curl up in a corner, hide myself in a box, just... just be ALONE, close the stupid world out, get PEACE! PLEASE! Also, I've lost interest in everything. Literally. All the stuff I have to do, courses, practice, upcoming missions, even my hobbies. Frankly, can't be bothered. Feels like PMS or something (from what I know anyway). Gosh that would be hard, getting this depressed on a monthly basis. Oh, how I LOVE to be a man. And how I'D LOVE to fuck a man!

Should strike that out. Cause no, he is out of bounds. Seems like he lives in his own world, where I have almost no place, no right to belong, yet does he know that he owns MINE? Oh, not only my sexual desires. It's strange to write down, but yes, I definitely feel this must have went beyond that level. From the simplest things to the great, big moments, I want to be a part of his life and invite him into mine, to share everything... to be able to protect him... That's one reason why I work so hard on my 'sabre techniques too. Last time, at night, he told me to trust in the Force to protect myself and I wanted to kiss him sooo hard, because I forgot to say that this was OF COURSE when he had me against a stupid wall and goodness, he was sweaty and hot and his lips had "RAVAGE ME" written all over them, and he was panting hard---

So well, about protection, because I got carried away... so. Protecting my beloved Master should be my priority from now on. Even if it means to protect him from my dangerous, wrong thoughts and notions of loving him, protecting him of myself. That is why I should not EVER act on my true feelings, to have him safe, his world safe, so that he can be happy the way he wants, and not the way I would want him to be.

Force give me the strength to do this. It's hard. I'm blue because of unrequited love and no, there is no way out but to let it fade, if it can.


	4. 4th Entry

Extra warning: again, mentions of self-gratification... though I censored myself here a bit (left out 7 lines or so), thus if you would like to read the unabridged version( at any time), please visit LiveJournal! (username lovedancelady, look in the 'memories')

4th Entry

Allright, the last month was spent trying REALLY hard to restrain myself. Protecting him from me. I even abandoned this journal and spent time STUDYING (man, I can't believe myself!) and many DANGEROUS rides when I had the chance. Don't even entertain foolish thoughts! Concentrate on something else, anything BUT his distinct, tranquillising yet secretly sensual smell; what smell, FRAGRANCE, even! ; and his deep, intelligent eyes, the planes and angles and curves that form an admirable frame for his unique soul.

Actually, became better and better in this new "profession" that I just call O.P. for Obi-Wan Protecting. Restraining the number of hours spent together to a minimum, short conversations, eating in the cantene, grabbing all the excuses not to be in the same room with him. And not watching when he meditates. Funnily, he has been doing that more often than ever. Also, he doesn't seem to mind that we haven't been talking and spending time together as much as we used to. Only the necessary training sessions and stuff. I really stopped thinking about him profoundly (at least during the day, because at night, my dreams were wilder than ever.)

Therefore, began to think that my O.P had been successful, or at least on the way to success. How wrong was I!  
Yesterday I came back to our shared quarters pretty late. Sneaked out for a bit of Coruscant sightseeing - at max speed. Best part of O.P.  
Anyways, as I was opening the door, slowing it down with the Force and opening it only to a crack, I noticed that the lights were still on. I cringed inwardly. Not good.  
I tiptoed across our small entrance hall like some feline, or like a shadow and was planning how to make my way to my own room - was counting on Obi-Wan working or reading, immersed in what he was doing...

Oh and indeed, how immersed was he - IN PLEASURING HIMSELF! Thank Force I peeked out from the corner!

I was struck by lighning, then and there. The world could have collapsed, I probably wouldn't have noticed. I was lost to the vision in front of my eyes... Goodness, I get aroused just from remembering...  
just indescribable hotness. Clothes still on, yet slightly disarrayed, the sheen of perspiration on his face, his closed lids, his lips open in a silent moan...

One month of hard work gone like that. I was overwhelmed with love and lust. ... I bit hard on my own lips, drawing blood, so that I didn't scream aloud. Watching him all the way. He was holding back a cry too - and he mouthed something like Quinn or Qeen...

So he has a lover! The realisation sank in, and my heart got numb and my head dizzy. He has someone. Suddenly all his being happy that I avoid him made sense. Of course he wouldn't need a Padawan when pursuing his amorous interests. Whoever this Qeen or Quinn might be. Lucky bitch.

And here I am. I contemplated throughout the night and have been sulking here for much of the day. I feel awful; the worst I've ever been. The more I think, the worse. Sometimes I think that maybe it did not mean anything special, but I can't stop hypothesising; all the what-if's.  
What if he has a serious lover, what if he will leave me for ever, what if that girl would make him do something stupid, what if I could kill that BITCH!  
What if she was but a one-night stand? Or an old memory? Or maybe she is a he... and what if I stood a chance! But what if ...

ARGH.

The thing is, he is lost for me, even more than before.

May the Force give me the strength I need.


	5. 5th Entry

Sorry for being horribly late on this update. My lame excuse: I had a busy summer with no inspiration for this fic. I know it was cheap ;) Fear not though, the diary will be finished sooner or later :)

Enjoy!

5th Entry

Wow. I just found this journal-thingy again... Guess life got into the way of recording life. Actually, I thought about writing into it right after ... Obi-Wan and I became... LOVERS! For REAL! My, the thought still makes me leap with joy, again and again and again... my sweet, sexy, wise, fabulous and have I mentioned SEXY Master LOVES ME! -but let's start from when it all began, so I can re-live it all...

The Big Day had nothing out of the ordinary. Classes, meals, practices went by, in my (then) usual gloomy mood. Needless to say I was occupied with the thought of Obi-Wan having a lover, how I wasn't important for anyone in the World except as the person or rather, the marionette in the mythical role of the Chosen One etc. People were really avoiding me that day and rightfully. A depressed and angry Anakin is never a beautiful sight, I should know 'cause it's me...

Well, my beloved Obi-Wan thought otherwise. He said something like "Padawan, this can not go on any longer. You sit down and tell me what's wrong or I will make sure you will not have your Trials in the near future and I will listen. Force, I might even help you, my little stubborn apprentice!" He smiled, an exhausted but genuine smile of concern. Then he mentioned how I was in his care and how hard it is to bring me up with my hot-headed nature.

Well it wasn't his words that made me do as he bid, since Force knows how many times he tried similar approaches and none worked or just partially. Rather, I'd say it was his unusual openness and mostly the fact I was fed up. My heart was swollen with poisonous emotions, reeking of darkness and suddenly it occured to me that if this darkness grows and grows inside, it might even HURT my beloved Master in some way or another... For a moment, the Force rippled and twisted around my mind, and while I can't say it was a vision since it wasn't but a horrendous presentiment, involving my doing something dreadful to the One I swore to protect... No, I can't recall more... my very being recoils from the memory of it.

Thus I had no other option than to let go, happen what may. I warned my dear Master that he would be disgusted from what I must tell, but he wasn't frightened by the prospect. Thus I shared it with him all - all the pain, the distress, the restrained love seething inside my heart, the ever-raging, heart-sinking jealousy, the sensual, forbidden but enticing fantasies plaguing my very being, my ache for his unattainable love.

I had no idea I was crying, but I became aware of it the moment his sensual fingers touched my cheeks, taming the teary mess that was on my face. He whispered something nonsensical like it's all right, it's gonna be okay, or whatnot, I can't remember really 'cause I was overwhelmed with the beauty of his eyes that shone with love and then his feelings and emotions that reached me through the Force - which is, to put it shortly, was a heartfelt confession of HIS true love for ME, of HIS troubles with HIS forbidden feelings towards ME... goodness I have never been more shocked than at those moments... dizzy with all the new information, I was suddenly aware of lips on my face, kissing down the tears, trailing down to my own lips, and the shy question of Obi-Wan who is not one to forget his manners, not even in the most intense minutes of our lives... "Would you allow me to --"

Goodness, those whispered little sentence will stand unfinished forever, for not only did I allow it, I rushed ahead (well, it's still me...) and claimed his lips with all my worth.

Never did kiss taste any better.

My eyes water again as I think of the salty tang, those tender touches of lips, then the more sensual dances of tongues, the wild rapture after that as we devoured each other, feeling... well feeling ambiguous, cause it was still something very much forbidden, and that hangs over us even now. Yet it would not stop us from loving and from being the happiest we have ever been. I am pretty sure my Master feels the same way, for our shared bond is tighter and stronger with every day and night...

Speaking of night, my sexy Obi-Wan should be at home any minute now and I have to make certain... preparations for my lover. I can't wait to feel him in and around and on me again... we are just perfect together, surpassing my fantasies by far and that says a lot.

The only little cloud over our bright sky is the secretiveness. It is hard to behave myself when I think about for example pleasuring Obi-Wan orally while I am around 3 Masters 4 Knights and some Padawans, as it happened a couple days ago. Apart from the sex, the screening of emotions from others is a great issue as well, but we will have to manage someway. For our love, we should.

Oh yes, my fabulous Master is back, should go now. Next time I shall put down something about our lovemaking more in detail because that is too marvelous not to be saved for later times.

Ah Force. That's the voice of the whipping of cream. May the Force be with me ... (so I can last long enough.)


End file.
